Help! My in-laws just 'Don't get it!'

With Halloween behind us- it’s not too early to think about Thanksgiving. And while most holidays center around food, which provides the obvious challenges for any food allergy family, Thanksgiving is unique as it is a time when families spend a lot of time together.

Yay- sounds like bliss- families spending quality time together- what could be more beautiful! But what do you do when your extended family….. ‘don’t get it when the people who are meant always have your back, support you, and be there when others aren’t.

What can you do (if anything) if your mother-in-law doesn’t believe in the severity of your child’s peanut allergy? Or if your sister tries to give your child a cupcake with dairy cream, ‘to test if her allergy was real.’ How do you react in a situation when your family views the whole situation as a joke- when they feel like your actions aren’t protecting your child but are just you making excuses for being a helicopter parent?

The way you are feeling is normal.

What is important to realize (and this point cannot be stressed enough) is that all those confusing feelings are normal- navigating a world where allergies can kill someone you love- is scary, you question your actions every day, are you careful enough, or too lax? Do you need to talk to your child’s teacher again, maybe the school nurse? Is your child going to come home safe from school today?

It’s a journey that can make you feel isolated and alone when faced daily with people who question you, servers, or chefs at restaurants- the staff at your child daycare provider. It’s a journey that can generate fear, anger, or frustration.

Finding Support

Having a solid support system is extremely important to go through a challenge emotionally and mentally healthy. If your extended family isn’t going to be the ones providing that for you- find the support somewhere else. Try finding an appropriate support group on Facebook. The most effective support source for you would be a group based in the area you live in. For example, if you live in Canada, perhaps ‘Food Allergy Canada’ would be a place that you would feel comfortable. When the group is from your geographical location, there is the benefit that you can connect with other parents that live in your vicinity.

Ignorance is not always bliss.

No grandparent or sibling in the world would knowingly or willing cause harm to their grandchild/niece/nephew. If they were watching the children in a swimming pool- no one would claim they would be negligent regarding their care- because everyone knows the extreme danger of water and drowning.

The problem generally is when it comes to food allergies is ignorance! Often adults can inaccurately compare allergies to conditions like diabetes, where some sugar isn’t dangerous but in moderation. Dr. David Fischer, an allergist in Barrie, Ontario, has personally seen in his practice well-meaning grandparents mistakenly thinking that exposing their grandchildren to small amounts of their allergen will ultimately strengthen a child’s immune system over time. In most situations, open communication and understanding can go a long way, especially when spouses aren’t on the same page regarding managing food allergies. Consider bringing them along with you on your next doctor visit or allergy test and have them hear it straight from the medical professional what the tests have shown and what this means for your child's life and food management. Allow them to ask questions directly to your doctor- they need to go through the acceptance process just like you and your spouse did.

Another option is to have the Doctor teach them how to use an Epi-pen in the case of an emergency. Having a Doctor step in as an in-between can create a separation between a challenging in-law relationship and the reality that it is a complicated medical situation. You can also take pictures of your child's allergic reactions and send them to them- seeing is believing, after all!

Other options

1. Offer to host the more challenging holidays at your place and spend time at their house that you feel more comfortable with.
2. There is no reason to inconvenience others to make special food for your child or family that you might not even trust due to cross-contamination, so ask what will be served in advance (so your child won’t feel left out) and make the same menu- allergy safe.
3. Try and keep family times to times that are not food-related or in large groups, like fishing trips in the summer or family outings to the local park.
4. Most importantly, remember you can’t control anyone else’s opinions or actions, only your own- so try and stay calm (no one said this would be easy)in the face of others not so subtle comments or facial expressions. Focus on other parts of the evening- the games, the conversation, and the bonding your family and especially your children are having with their family!

Simply not showing up isn’t the answer.

Let’s face it- we only get one family, and that family is essential to our children and us. While some family members may never ‘get it, just avoiding family get-togethers and not showing up isn’t the answer. In situations where there isn’t going to be exposure to dangerous foods- there is no harm in visiting- so make sure you show up early, and when things really get heated up the try, try to see it from their point of view. Always remember that they love you and your children- and don’t mean any real harm, it doesn’t take the pain away, but it can make it easier to smile through it! So keep on smiling- we are all here supporting you.

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